September 27, 2012

currently: not so current

but sometime within the last three weeks i got tied up and had a baby.
i came online today to write a currently post and found this old entry saved in my drafts.
crazy the difference a few weeks makes.
my imagination had me gagged and bound. suffocated and scared.
and then came gabry.  flipping our world upside down and sliding into his place.
oh man, reality has gone and knocked me over.  head over heels..with weak knees and all. again.
i should've had more faith. i should have worried less and realized that life happens. that our puzzle pieces are not fixed in a deadlock.  that somehow they get switched around and shifted. eventually finding that perfect fit. creating yet another beautiful image. one that feels like it always was. and always will be.
and so here we are, a family of four. edited and even better. life is damn good. and i am grateful.

3 weeks earlier: 
honestly. i can't stop myself from eating.  a rub of the double chin used to be enough to halt me in tracks, but not anymore. i've lost all self-control. the child within me has won. officially. i surrender. i'm no challenge for the crazy kid that takes over my body crying and getting insanely bitchy if a cookie isn't shoved in her mouth to shut her up. the one that could without a doubt over-pie-eat that chubster in standy-by-me ANYTIME. without barfing. ya right. get out of town. no literally. i wish i could get out of town. but i have about 10 days till you know what. some little munchkin is supposed to join me on my journey. i have to stay around here. maybe on a beach chair. reclined. with a book. all day every day. i could avoid the pain in the groin that i seem to be experiencing.  i'm pretty sure my pelvic girdle pain has stepped up a notch to symphysis pubis dysfunction. so painful. i think i'm over-walking, over-lifting, over-doing everything. i should stop, but i can't. a pattern going on here. and back to the cookies. i must have eaten at least 20 chocolate chip cookies today.  the worst part is that i would have been equally satisfied eating a handful of grapes. but the cookies were within reach. bam. and tomorrow is my weekly doctor visit. at least two days before my appointments i start pep-talking myself into not going bonkers over sweets. trying to avoid over-eating like my doctor's visit is some sort of weight watchers check-in.  tricking myself into believing that if i just avoid the cravings i will somehow weigh less. and that the minute i walk out the door i can go buck wild on burger king like it's nobody's business. this must be why diets don't work. you forbid yourself from having something then you suddenly prance on it like a cat on catnip. inhaling it. leaving nothing behind. not even a crumb. ya all those crumbs i'm eating. the sugar. the fat. they've decided to deposit themselves onto my nose now. oh the fat nose. a bit of a swelling. making my eyes, mouth, chins appear smaller.  i won't complain. fat nose makes fat chin seem less fat. still it's not that comfortable feeling my glasses squish in the sides of my nostrils. but i'll wear them more than ever now just to keep the nose in check. they aren't that bad. i can tolerate having my breathing restricted in exchange for having a slightly thinner looking nose.
and then there are the intolerable days. days where fat nose is the least of my problems. days where i'm so beat and tired i just feel like giving up. these are days when i think there is no way in hell i'll survive. no way i can do this. frozen moments when both alternatives scare the shit out of me. suffocating me. pregnant forever in unbearable, un-sleeping pain or not pregnant forever with an abused hoo-ha and two babes. hmmm. let that simmer. 
it usually boils up and over pretty quickly. cooling down when seba comes over, rubs my belly and says "gabri whatchu doin? kickin mommy? mommy has booboo? need kiss mommy?" 
fear gone. just like that. back to reality. honestly i'm a ticking time bomb. literally. ticking away.. just waiting for the first sign of this is it. excited and crazy. with random bizarro thoughts. unable to imagine that feeling of instantaneous love. the instant connection. the one you can't feel until you feel it. skipping the hi how are you. skipping the courting. and heading straight to in love without stopping at go. you don't expect it and you don't even know what it actually is until it is. then it's like it was always there. always a possibility that you were aware of. one that you could never imagine not existing before. confirmed and real.  true, unconditional, insane love. 
and then it grows. and grows. so quickly. and so do they. sometimes i see seba and i think him so big i almost cry. then i catch him in a caress and push pause. holding onto the moment when his entire little face fits into the palm of my hand. what a feeling. what a heavy heart. weighed down by my big, fat love for him. for them. and now my heart sits overweight and pregnant with the possibility of loving yet another one just like him. 
and so with these last days i soak him up. over-compensating. giving a zillion hugs instead of just the regular billion. responding to babyish whines i may have previously snapped at. suddenly sitting in the backseat because it's being requested. holding hands with an over-extended elbow until he falls asleep. allowing him to sneak into our bed at wee hours. and so what if it makes him want these things more. so what if he's temporarily spoiled. our alone time is limited and we will flood ourselves in it until we near drown. i don't care.

August 28, 2012

Currently: expiring sooner than the milk in my fridge

me @ 36 weeks via vicky starz photography

that's right. you know you've entered the final countdown when the milk in your fridge expires after your due date. that, and your psycho. which i am. pregzilla. nuts. gone. lost my mind and my hip bones. drowned in the lump that i've become. a well-rounded woman. searching for discrete corners in my house where i can inhale my chocolate chip cookies in privacy. without influencing my son to eat junk. without having to share.. i haven't confirmed my motive yet. i see him eating tuna sandwiches on whole grain while i hide behind the mixer, bending over and devouring soft, fresh, chocolate chip cookies. pregnancy has converted me into some kind of emotional eater. i still can't believe the three of us is soon to be the four of us. holy shit. FOUR. and so i eat. cookies. and whopper combos. on the upside, after eating all this crap... i get to end my day with fruit flavoured TUMS. so good. who knew? takes me way back to my hanna-barbera days. i smile. and a midst the moments of psychotic madness i try to remain happy. i think happy thoughts and fly peter pan style. does it work? most of the time. sometimes it helps to just dance and scream. laugh and cry. ignore the laundry and twirl with seba to elton john's tiny dancer on full volume. yes, we do.  dance and twirl ourselves dizzy. a kind of blurry fun. day in and day out. and there i am. happy. even when i'm grumpy. even when i'm tired and in pain. even when i don't know it. there is that spark of true happiness that never fades because i'm spinning.  in love. unbalanced. but safe. my boys won't let me fall. they won't even let me slip.

ps. thank you to my friend of all friends vicky for encouraging me to think happy and be happy. to take some maternity photos. and to eat waffles drenched in maple syrup. you made my day.

pps. thank you to stefano and seba -  the boys who completely drown my days in laughter. i always go to bed with over-smiled, tired cheeks because of you. sometimes as i close my eyes i catch a memory of a ridiculous thing said or done during the day and i giggle to sleep. it's so, so good. i love you.


Harvesting Kale

August 9, 2012

currently: living lost. but living.

{yes i take photos of greeting cards that i like}
it's not my usual thing, blogging before dark, but clearly something's gotta give.  i haven't blogged in weeks.  i made a joke with vicky that instagram has killed the blog.  but the truth is, i've killed it. life has killed it.  i just can't seem to find the time. yet time is in abundance these days. it's the same reason i look at myself everyday saying "you should've combed your hair today. you should've put effort into the way you look. you should care about these things. you have time now. before he arrives. and you do nothing to make yourself look/feel good. what will you be like afterwards? with no time?
will my list of unfinished shit just get longer? i started packing seba's old clothes for gabri. i started organizing their shared room. i started washing little cloth diapers. i started collecting fabric to make cute crib sheets and rompers. i started researching baby-led weaning and such things i never got to fully try with seba.
i started.
but there is a lack of finishing going on here. a huge lack. finishing doesn't even exist unless we're talking about food on plate. it's finished.
i have excuses. lots of them. a bump. some pelvic pain. little sleep. hips that feel locked all night. exhaustion. emotions. and exhausting emotions. overwhelming madness in my brain. my own thoughts tire me. reality is a beautiful dream compared to the nightmarish hell of what my imagination is capable of making me believe.
i close my eyes in the dark. if there is a blackout. if for some reason the lights go out. i close my eyes, hands outstretched and try to make it to safety. i don't try to see. i don't try. i close my eyes when unexpected, scary things happen. i close my eyes when i feel blocked or cornered. i just shut them. and keep them closed until the darkness passes. until my eyes can focus. until i've adjusted.
i don't know where i'm going with this. but i know where i don't want to go. i don't want to get lost in the dark. i want to keep moving. keep planning. keep preparing. we have a little boy coming to stay and he deserves the most welcome of welcomes when he arrives. he deserves the world. and i plan on giving it to him. tired or not. holding him still and calm while the madness swirls around us. we'll find solace in each other. i just know it. 
in less than 5 or so weeks little boy wonder should be snuggled up in the warmth of my neck. i should be inhaling his addictive baby scent. staring at him in shock and awe. marveling at his sheer awesomeness. his life. his uniqueness. his ability to be whatever he wants. his beginning. 
his affect and his effect. a new footprint in the universe. a new soul in the world. and i shake my head in wonder of it all. i shake it again.
i'm currently wishing i was reading. cooking what i am eating. anticipating his life and missing my own. but i'm happy. even if this post might seem to reflect otherwise. i have a man who i love. a boy who makes my world spin (figuratively and literally) and a baby who kicks and thrives within me. i hear four heartbeats everyday. our love pounding vigorously. together.
this is the life. and unbelievably it will get even better. 

sorry for missing the last two currently posts (or more?). and i would apologize for straying off topic in this one, but i'm sure i don't have to. this is my currently.  click on the link below to check out what others are up to!

Harvesting Kale

July 13, 2012

365 minutes with stinky: minute ninety-five, the need for speed

so clearly these videos are all over the place and out of order.  but who cares, i love them. i watch them over and over. especially the older ones from when seba turned one. i'm so happy i continued videotaping him and and uploading them even if it was not done the way i planned. nothing ever is.
seba's first time on a big boy training wheel bike. he's in love.  after months of studying the way mommy and daddy pedal he is now happy to do it on his own. fast. as usual. 
nothing will slow this boy down. we're so proud oh him.


July 10, 2012

currently: having difficulty coming up with a title for this week's currently. oh, and i'm hungry.

he must be doing somersaults in there right now. maybe even cartwheels. moving non-stop for the last hour. and i didn't even eat chocolate today.  actually i've made a conscious effort to not eat as much chocolate as i have been.  it was getting out of hand. and so i've stopped buying chocolate bars and turned my craving into something better: pancakes and donuts. devouring doesn't even begin to describe the action i take with these yummies.  i can't even think of a verb strong enough to convey the intensity of my yearning for sweets right now. just talking about it is upsetting me. making me hungry. i should be sleeping. i was tired all day. but instead i'm a sugar vampire blogging and salivating at my own words. i would say i'm thankful for my self-restraint, but let's not kid ourselves. as soon as i finish typing this post i am going to race down to the kitchen and scavenge my pantry for any forgotten junk food that didn't get dumped in my attempt to cleanse last week.  so i'll just say i'm thankful for everything else. because i am.  i can't just pick one thing. i can't rank my thankfuls in a hierarchy or pyramid.. i'd end up forgetting something that should most likely be at the top of the list. i'd end up blabbing on and on like an annoying oscar speech that gets cut off by music and commercial breaks. so let's avoid it and leave it at thank you, you know just who and what you are. i'd say i'm probably inspired by the people and things that i am thankful for, but then it would seem like i'm trying to rush through this post so i can pass out because i'm never up this late and i'm tired as hell.  so instead i'll say that i'm inspired by all the new people i've come across on instagram. stefano thinks i'm addicted. maybe i am. maybe  you can take away the maybe.  i can't believe how many awesome things you see, find, and learn through this social network.  i probably sound weird and cultish right now. addicted and obsessed, yah?  so many inspiring people and ideas.  i find myself almost overwhelmed by it all.  it's an awesome show on our very own  personal discovery channel.  it sparks ideas and inspires me in ways i never would've imagined. there are some pretty amazing photos on there. some pretty amazing people. uber inspirational.  but time consuming.  i try not to let it take up all my time these days.. especially because i have so much to do before number two. i'm starting to nest. cleaning like daddy warbuck's maids. i just came up from the basement where i have boxes and boxes of seba's baby clothes. baby clothes - as if he's no longer my baby.  his lifetime's clothes set out before me in four piles 0-6, 6-12, 12-18, 18-24. imagining a new little body to fill them. the rompers and sun hats. little socks. and cloth diapers. so many favourites coming to life again. stuffed. crowded. crushed. piled high. so overwhelming. so emotional.
and that's it. this is the way my current is flowing lately. i think i forgot to say what i'm watching, but i'm not watching much of anything lately. just the date. the time. the minutes. watching them tick way too fast. way too slow.
i have no photos to add to this post. a lie. i have plenty photos but my lids are heavy and i'm really about to pass out.

oh! a shout to randalin and wendy for creating another great set of themes for this week's currently post. i didn't realize i missed last week's until i started typing this one. i guess i suck.

ps. too tired to edit this for typos or plain old  non-nonsensical blabber... which in the ladder case would mean i'd be editing and deleting the whole post.
you know what: just ignore me and click on the link below to check out all the awesome bloggers that take part in this little link-up.
Harvesting Kale

You might also like:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...