February 28, 2011

love stinks

contagious itty bitty yawns catch me. the lulling of a coldplay instrumental softly calms me. chubby fingers on my phone. unplugged. watery eyes slowly drying. mine, not his.
one more week.
i find myself wondering what he'll be doing at certain times of the day.  how many hours of his wakeness i will miss. how many hours of mine he will miss.  ok.. 7:30 he'll be sleeping. 9:00 up and eating. 10:45 sleeping. 12:00 eating and playing. 2:30 maybe sleeping. 4:00 on my way home. phew.  this makes me feel better.  imagining his day without me makes me feel better. sometimes.

but it will get easier.

how can anyone be worried about their baby having attachment issues? what about parents? what about our attachment issues?  at 12 months babies start communicating. they begin to miss us when we exit a room (never exit when their back is to you "they say"... it may make them worry that you will always disappear when they're not looking).but what happens if we've exited before they even open their eyes?  what if they come looking for us and we're not there?  we go back to work right when our attachment is strongest. right when it hurts the most. when it's felt the most.  on both ends.  we build this strong connection... this strong trust.. and then we disappear for 9 hours a day. it feels worse than the worst break-up.  it's heart breaking.

but it will get easier.

i know we get used to it.  i know it becomes routine.  i know it will get easier.  being away from  the person i spend most of my day with will somehow get easier.
sometimes when he wakes me up in the morning... jumping on my head and gheeing... sometimes i think "well at least i can escape this when i go back to work" -- but a minute later i change my mind. a minute later when he smiles and squishes his chubby cheeks against mine, i forget all about it. nothing could make leaving him a pleasure. nothing could make leaving him seem less horrible. nothing could make leaving him easier.

but it will get easier.

i am severely and unjustly jealous of anyone that gets to spend time with him while i'm away.  i hate these lucky people.  i hate that they get to be witness to his every single smile, crawl, step, laugh, word, cry.
i hate that i hate them.

but it will get easier.

and like many other mothers, i will get used to it. and so will he. it will become effortless child's play. i will mechanically kiss my son goodbye and be on my way.... but won't that be just as sad? won't it be sadder when i no longer countdown the hours before i see him? when i no longer choke-up when i think of what i'm missing?  when i can't wait to get home and relax rather than play? when my weekends seem to be enough?

 when it gets easier?

i hope it never gets easier.  i hope i get stronger.  i hope i find ways to keep seba in my day even if i am not with him.  a lunch break on skype.  a visit from seba and daddy.  a phone call if only to hear him press buttons.  we will find ways to not make it easier, but to make it a life and a living... neither of which will be easy...
but both of which will be worth it.

my stinky little prince....the only thing easy right now is loving you. it's just so easy.
love stinks.

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  1. You have said perfectly what I have been struggling to say for the last four months since going back to work. I am going to show this post to my husband, who gets to stay home with our 6 month old four days a week! It's comforting to hear that someone else feels the exact same way!

  2. This is beautiful (and heart-wrenching!). I worked in daycare centres for many years, and have seen so many parents go through this. And you are right, it does get easier.

  3. oh Lisa, you made my eyes water.
    i hope your days will go by fast and your time with Seba slow.
    you just made me feel sooooooooo lucky to be able to stay home with Lily full time.
    good luck!

  4. thanks for the support ladies. it's nice to be able to relate to other moms and know that we are not alone... especially in our sometimes "crazy" thoughts.


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