July 15, 2011

i always swore

i'd never mother an empty baby book.
but here i am guilty. not a single word written. no clip of a curl. no first hand print. nothing.
just clean, empty pages.
i kept wanting to... kept thinking of what i wanted to write... but never got around to actually writing it.   
over-thinking. over-thinking. over-thinking.  
it saved me, this blog.  
typing can be erased -- no marks, no scratches, no whiteout.  
if blogs were hand written i'd have scratches all over mine. things i've wanted to type. 
things i've posted but wished i hadn't.  things i've typed but never shared.
i'm mentally lost right now.  my mind is almost never clear.  if this was a baby book -- i'd have nothing to write.  i'd ruin a page.  rip it out embarrassed what seems to be an emotional void.
i look back at my pre-seba posts... even up till 9 months post-seba -- and i wonder where the hell that girl went?  i had so much passion. so much to say. to share. to love.  where did it all go?  
time came in and sucked the living shit out of me. 
time is ruining my baby book.
time is inhaling my thoughts and spitting them back to me as scrambled puzzles that i am unable to solve.
i can't even begin to write my current feelings.  not because they're negative or overwhelming.
not because i'm angry or sad. 
i'm simply lost. 
lost within myself.
passing seconds, minutes, hours, days, and weeks... not even aware of it.
feeling and experiencing rushed happiness, excitement and love --
without a moment to sit, reflect and enjoy it.
all this time i was beginning to think i was unhappy. but i'm not.
 i'm actually sleepwalking thru happiness.  
awake and unaware
full and empty
fast-forwarding slowly
i do with i could turtle-ize my life
 return to the days where my weekends flew by
but i still had time to think and write about them
instead .. they fly by, i forget them.. and when i remember it's already a new weekend. 
it's like i have a lot of homework and i just can't get to the bottom of the pile.
like i'm procrastinating.. but i'm not.
i want to return to the moments where i was fully aware of my own thoughts and feelings.
where i was immersed in them. absorbing them. re-living them thru way of words typed on a screen and shared with others.
how can i get back there? what can i do?
the idea that my life has to be scheduled and organized suffocates me.
in order to optimize my time i have to make lists and lists.. do tasks and tasks?
here i am typing a blog when i should be cooking dinner.
what a bad girl
this means late dinner. late kitchen clean-up. late shower. late bath for seba. late putting seba to sleep. late sleeping myself --- late. late. late morning tomorrow.
alternative? do all of the above... not blog.. pass another day and feel unfulfilled and unsatisfied.
feel unaccomplished. and unhappy.
but it's only a blog?
no, it's my baby book -- 
and i promised myself i'd never mother an empty one.
this little book means something big to me.
very big
and when i don't post -- it's not because i don't want to... it's because i can't..
and i hate it. 
there are only two thing i hate to to miss on any given day:
1) kissing my boys good morning and 
2) blogging

i rarely make commitments
i'm flimsy and unreliable
so to say that my unfaltering and stubborn desire to kiss my boys every  single morning and keep this blog afloat is something amazing -- is a huuuuuge understatement.

it's overly amazing
it's my love -- exposed and unprotected
flaunted and splashed nakedly 
all over this sticky web

in a moment of chaos
it lends me sanity and calm
saving my memories and sharing my feelings
surrendering me -- to a moment of lost, but well used time


ps. holy crapola it's the weekend again
pps. i don't even have a cute photo to throw in, i'm so tired.

July 10, 2011

i spy with my stinky eye:

a crapload of toys to throw down the vent
{this is actually what i pulled out of the vent the other day}
it was like being on an easter egg hunt
... except it wasn't easter and there were no eggs
just crapload of crap in my vent

July 6, 2011

what HE wore wednesday (cause what i wore, just ain't worth showing)...PS. why not eat cookies while naked?

at least 3 days a week I come to the boys gardening in the backyard
this particular day was special... they weren't gardening, they were sitting at the picnic table doing paperwork... well one of them was.. the other was eating cookies in the nude after swimming laps in his toddler pool.
what a difficult life.

ps. i secretly did 50 sit-ups today while stefano was watering the grass... 
you know how after a c-section they tell you not to work your stomach muscles for at least 
6 weeks or whatever? 
well.. just to be extra careful i waited an extra 60+ weeks on top of that.
go me
way to get in shape lisa
what? you're going to the italian seaside in 2 weeks? 
no problem. no problem at all*.

*definitely bringing back the oversized NKOTB t-shirt and swimsuit look
oh 1985...
you were such a great year 

365 minutes with stinky: minute sixty-one

stinky naps
nothing can come between the stinks and his naps
...not even a bite of his favourite focaccia

ps. don't worry mom, we do not feed him while he sleeps: we are aware it's a choking hazard.

July 4, 2011

weekend obsessions

some people have healthy obsessions like
cupcake coloured pyrex
and cupcakes in general

other people have seemingly odd obsessions like
deciding to grow grass on their concrete stairs out the back door
making a bizarro daddy dream become an even bizarrero backyard reality
it seems almost junglebook meets where the wild things are
and save sebi's head from kabooming into concrete 
as he runs like a madchild back and forth in the yard
fabulously freaky and functional?!

i like vintage pyrex. he likes growing grass on stairs. we're a match made in weirdo heaven.

365 minutes with stinky: minute fifty-nine & sixty

ahh si
{english translation: uhh, yes}
stinky's favourite new "sentence"
we ask questions all day just to hear him say it

oh canada!

i don't know which part of this photo i like best:
 seba and his new girlfriend 
(already holding hands after knowing each other for a mere 3 minutes)
or the shadows of two moms holding daiquiris 
(a very rare hands-free moment)
seba had one of the best weekends of his tiny little life
water + dirt + girls + toys = satisfaction guaranteed 
of fun in the sun
the only thing that could have made it better was if the entire construction zone behind our house magically disappeared
and/or was replaced by a beach

July 2, 2011

stinky naps...

he loves looking at the war zone that is our back yard
(one of the lovely pleasures of moving into a new development)
while eating in his highchair
he slept for about 30 minutes 
i guess he finds the sound of construction and chaos peacefully relaxing:

eventually he woke up, went outside to run around 
came back in, had some crackers and.. boom:
part two!
seriously.. the photos below are not duplicates.. they were taken a couple hours later when the stinks drifted off into his second nap

oh quiet and stillness, you come but once in a while
still, i love you so and appreciate your visits no matter how seldom they may be.

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