July 15, 2011

i always swore

i'd never mother an empty baby book.
but here i am guilty. not a single word written. no clip of a curl. no first hand print. nothing.
just clean, empty pages.
i kept wanting to... kept thinking of what i wanted to write... but never got around to actually writing it.   
over-thinking. over-thinking. over-thinking.  
it saved me, this blog.  
typing can be erased -- no marks, no scratches, no whiteout.  
if blogs were hand written i'd have scratches all over mine. things i've wanted to type. 
things i've posted but wished i hadn't.  things i've typed but never shared.
i'm mentally lost right now.  my mind is almost never clear.  if this was a baby book -- i'd have nothing to write.  i'd ruin a page.  rip it out embarrassed what seems to be an emotional void.
i look back at my pre-seba posts... even up till 9 months post-seba -- and i wonder where the hell that girl went?  i had so much passion. so much to say. to share. to love.  where did it all go?  
time came in and sucked the living shit out of me. 
time is ruining my baby book.
time is inhaling my thoughts and spitting them back to me as scrambled puzzles that i am unable to solve.
i can't even begin to write my current feelings.  not because they're negative or overwhelming.
not because i'm angry or sad. 
i'm simply lost. 
lost within myself.
passing seconds, minutes, hours, days, and weeks... not even aware of it.
feeling and experiencing rushed happiness, excitement and love --
without a moment to sit, reflect and enjoy it.
all this time i was beginning to think i was unhappy. but i'm not.
 i'm actually sleepwalking thru happiness.  
awake and unaware
full and empty
fast-forwarding slowly
i do with i could turtle-ize my life
 return to the days where my weekends flew by
but i still had time to think and write about them
instead .. they fly by, i forget them.. and when i remember it's already a new weekend. 
it's like i have a lot of homework and i just can't get to the bottom of the pile.
like i'm procrastinating.. but i'm not.
i want to return to the moments where i was fully aware of my own thoughts and feelings.
where i was immersed in them. absorbing them. re-living them thru way of words typed on a screen and shared with others.
how can i get back there? what can i do?
the idea that my life has to be scheduled and organized suffocates me.
in order to optimize my time i have to make lists and lists.. do tasks and tasks?
barf. 
here i am typing a blog when i should be cooking dinner.
what a bad girl
this means late dinner. late kitchen clean-up. late shower. late bath for seba. late putting seba to sleep. late sleeping myself --- late. late. late morning tomorrow.
alternative? do all of the above... not blog.. pass another day and feel unfulfilled and unsatisfied.
feel unaccomplished. and unhappy.
but it's only a blog?
no, it's my baby book -- 
and i promised myself i'd never mother an empty one.
this little book means something big to me.
very big
and when i don't post -- it's not because i don't want to... it's because i can't..
and i hate it. 
there are only two thing i hate to to miss on any given day:
1) kissing my boys good morning and 
2) blogging

i rarely make commitments
i'm flimsy and unreliable
so to say that my unfaltering and stubborn desire to kiss my boys every  single morning and keep this blog afloat is something amazing -- is a huuuuuge understatement.

it's overly amazing
it's my love -- exposed and unprotected
flaunted and splashed nakedly 
all over this sticky web

in a moment of chaos
it lends me sanity and calm
saving my memories and sharing my feelings
surrendering me -- to a moment of lost, but well used time

xxx

ps. holy crapola it's the weekend again
pps. i don't even have a cute photo to throw in, i'm so tired.





2 comments:

  1. Daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyy has 2 good news for you:
    1. it's friday;
    2. -5 to vacations and yes, you can borrow my pc to blog...

    ReplyDelete
  2. I sooo hear you on this!!! I totally swore I wouldn't be "that" parent who left a blank baby book..... 8 months later, I am kind of "that" mom. I think I have 2 pages maybe.. and I haven't written down her milestones since she was 6 months. When I think about it I feel SO guilty, but I hate my handwriting..lol and it makes the book look so crappy.. I did get her hand / foot prints = win. Maybe I should start a blog.... anyway, so glad you are still blogging..yeah!

    ReplyDelete

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