September 27, 2012

currently: not so current

but sometime within the last three weeks i got tied up and had a baby.
i came online today to write a currently post and found this old entry saved in my drafts.
crazy the difference a few weeks makes.
my imagination had me gagged and bound. suffocated and scared.
and then came gabry.  flipping our world upside down and sliding into his place.
oh man, reality has gone and knocked me over.  head over heels..with weak knees and all. again.
i should've had more faith. i should have worried less and realized that life happens. that our puzzle pieces are not fixed in a deadlock.  that somehow they get switched around and shifted. eventually finding that perfect fit. creating yet another beautiful image. one that feels like it always was. and always will be.
and so here we are, a family of four. edited and even better. life is damn good. and i am grateful.

3 weeks earlier: 
honestly. i can't stop myself from eating.  a rub of the double chin used to be enough to halt me in tracks, but not anymore. i've lost all self-control. the child within me has won. officially. i surrender. i'm no challenge for the crazy kid that takes over my body crying and getting insanely bitchy if a cookie isn't shoved in her mouth to shut her up. the one that could without a doubt over-pie-eat that chubster in standy-by-me ANYTIME. without barfing. ya right. get out of town. no literally. i wish i could get out of town. but i have about 10 days till you know what. some little munchkin is supposed to join me on my journey. i have to stay around here. maybe on a beach chair. reclined. with a book. all day every day. i could avoid the pain in the groin that i seem to be experiencing.  i'm pretty sure my pelvic girdle pain has stepped up a notch to symphysis pubis dysfunction. so painful. i think i'm over-walking, over-lifting, over-doing everything. i should stop, but i can't. a pattern going on here. and back to the cookies. i must have eaten at least 20 chocolate chip cookies today.  the worst part is that i would have been equally satisfied eating a handful of grapes. but the cookies were within reach. bam. and tomorrow is my weekly doctor visit. at least two days before my appointments i start pep-talking myself into not going bonkers over sweets. trying to avoid over-eating like my doctor's visit is some sort of weight watchers check-in.  tricking myself into believing that if i just avoid the cravings i will somehow weigh less. and that the minute i walk out the door i can go buck wild on burger king like it's nobody's business. this must be why diets don't work. you forbid yourself from having something then you suddenly prance on it like a cat on catnip. inhaling it. leaving nothing behind. not even a crumb. ya all those crumbs i'm eating. the sugar. the fat. they've decided to deposit themselves onto my nose now. oh the fat nose. a bit of a swelling. making my eyes, mouth, chins appear smaller.  i won't complain. fat nose makes fat chin seem less fat. still it's not that comfortable feeling my glasses squish in the sides of my nostrils. but i'll wear them more than ever now just to keep the nose in check. they aren't that bad. i can tolerate having my breathing restricted in exchange for having a slightly thinner looking nose.
and then there are the intolerable days. days where fat nose is the least of my problems. days where i'm so beat and tired i just feel like giving up. these are days when i think there is no way in hell i'll survive. no way i can do this. frozen moments when both alternatives scare the shit out of me. suffocating me. pregnant forever in unbearable, un-sleeping pain or not pregnant forever with an abused hoo-ha and two babes. hmmm. let that simmer. 
it usually boils up and over pretty quickly. cooling down when seba comes over, rubs my belly and says "gabri whatchu doin? kickin mommy? mommy has booboo? need kiss mommy?" 
fear gone. just like that. back to reality. honestly i'm a ticking time bomb. literally. ticking away.. just waiting for the first sign of this is it. excited and crazy. with random bizarro thoughts. unable to imagine that feeling of instantaneous love. the instant connection. the one you can't feel until you feel it. skipping the hi how are you. skipping the courting. and heading straight to in love without stopping at go. you don't expect it and you don't even know what it actually is until it is. then it's like it was always there. always a possibility that you were aware of. one that you could never imagine not existing before. confirmed and real.  true, unconditional, insane love. 
and then it grows. and grows. so quickly. and so do they. sometimes i see seba and i think him so big i almost cry. then i catch him in a caress and push pause. holding onto the moment when his entire little face fits into the palm of my hand. what a feeling. what a heavy heart. weighed down by my big, fat love for him. for them. and now my heart sits overweight and pregnant with the possibility of loving yet another one just like him. 
and so with these last days i soak him up. over-compensating. giving a zillion hugs instead of just the regular billion. responding to babyish whines i may have previously snapped at. suddenly sitting in the backseat because it's being requested. holding hands with an over-extended elbow until he falls asleep. allowing him to sneak into our bed at wee hours. and so what if it makes him want these things more. so what if he's temporarily spoiled. our alone time is limited and we will flood ourselves in it until we near drown. i don't care.

August 28, 2012

Currently: expiring sooner than the milk in my fridge

me @ 36 weeks via vicky starz photography

that's right. you know you've entered the final countdown when the milk in your fridge expires after your due date. that, and your psycho. which i am. pregzilla. nuts. gone. lost my mind and my hip bones. drowned in the lump that i've become. a well-rounded woman. searching for discrete corners in my house where i can inhale my chocolate chip cookies in privacy. without influencing my son to eat junk. without having to share.. i haven't confirmed my motive yet. i see him eating tuna sandwiches on whole grain while i hide behind the mixer, bending over and devouring soft, fresh, chocolate chip cookies. pregnancy has converted me into some kind of emotional eater. i still can't believe the three of us is soon to be the four of us. holy shit. FOUR. and so i eat. cookies. and whopper combos. on the upside, after eating all this crap... i get to end my day with fruit flavoured TUMS. so good. who knew? takes me way back to my hanna-barbera days. i smile. and a midst the moments of psychotic madness i try to remain happy. i think happy thoughts and fly peter pan style. does it work? most of the time. sometimes it helps to just dance and scream. laugh and cry. ignore the laundry and twirl with seba to elton john's tiny dancer on full volume. yes, we do.  dance and twirl ourselves dizzy. a kind of blurry fun. day in and day out. and there i am. happy. even when i'm grumpy. even when i'm tired and in pain. even when i don't know it. there is that spark of true happiness that never fades because i'm spinning.  in love. unbalanced. but safe. my boys won't let me fall. they won't even let me slip.

ps. thank you to my friend of all friends vicky for encouraging me to think happy and be happy. to take some maternity photos. and to eat waffles drenched in maple syrup. you made my day.

pps. thank you to stefano and seba -  the boys who completely drown my days in laughter. i always go to bed with over-smiled, tired cheeks because of you. sometimes as i close my eyes i catch a memory of a ridiculous thing said or done during the day and i giggle to sleep. it's so, so good. i love you.


Harvesting Kale

August 9, 2012

currently: living lost. but living.

{yes i take photos of greeting cards that i like}
it's not my usual thing, blogging before dark, but clearly something's gotta give.  i haven't blogged in weeks.  i made a joke with vicky that instagram has killed the blog.  but the truth is, i've killed it. life has killed it.  i just can't seem to find the time. yet time is in abundance these days. it's the same reason i look at myself everyday saying "you should've combed your hair today. you should've put effort into the way you look. you should care about these things. you have time now. before he arrives. and you do nothing to make yourself look/feel good. what will you be like afterwards? with no time?
will my list of unfinished shit just get longer? i started packing seba's old clothes for gabri. i started organizing their shared room. i started washing little cloth diapers. i started collecting fabric to make cute crib sheets and rompers. i started researching baby-led weaning and such things i never got to fully try with seba.
i started.
but there is a lack of finishing going on here. a huge lack. finishing doesn't even exist unless we're talking about food on plate. it's finished.
i have excuses. lots of them. a bump. some pelvic pain. little sleep. hips that feel locked all night. exhaustion. emotions. and exhausting emotions. overwhelming madness in my brain. my own thoughts tire me. reality is a beautiful dream compared to the nightmarish hell of what my imagination is capable of making me believe.
i close my eyes in the dark. if there is a blackout. if for some reason the lights go out. i close my eyes, hands outstretched and try to make it to safety. i don't try to see. i don't try. i close my eyes when unexpected, scary things happen. i close my eyes when i feel blocked or cornered. i just shut them. and keep them closed until the darkness passes. until my eyes can focus. until i've adjusted.
i don't know where i'm going with this. but i know where i don't want to go. i don't want to get lost in the dark. i want to keep moving. keep planning. keep preparing. we have a little boy coming to stay and he deserves the most welcome of welcomes when he arrives. he deserves the world. and i plan on giving it to him. tired or not. holding him still and calm while the madness swirls around us. we'll find solace in each other. i just know it. 
in less than 5 or so weeks little boy wonder should be snuggled up in the warmth of my neck. i should be inhaling his addictive baby scent. staring at him in shock and awe. marveling at his sheer awesomeness. his life. his uniqueness. his ability to be whatever he wants. his beginning. 
his affect and his effect. a new footprint in the universe. a new soul in the world. and i shake my head in wonder of it all. i shake it again.
i'm currently wishing i was reading. cooking what i am eating. anticipating his life and missing my own. but i'm happy. even if this post might seem to reflect otherwise. i have a man who i love. a boy who makes my world spin (figuratively and literally) and a baby who kicks and thrives within me. i hear four heartbeats everyday. our love pounding vigorously. together.
this is the life. and unbelievably it will get even better. 

sorry for missing the last two currently posts (or more?). and i would apologize for straying off topic in this one, but i'm sure i don't have to. this is my currently.  click on the link below to check out what others are up to!

Harvesting Kale

July 13, 2012

365 minutes with stinky: minute ninety-five, the need for speed

so clearly these videos are all over the place and out of order.  but who cares, i love them. i watch them over and over. especially the older ones from when seba turned one. i'm so happy i continued videotaping him and and uploading them even if it was not done the way i planned. nothing ever is.
seba's first time on a big boy training wheel bike. he's in love.  after months of studying the way mommy and daddy pedal he is now happy to do it on his own. fast. as usual. 
nothing will slow this boy down. we're so proud oh him.


July 10, 2012

currently: having difficulty coming up with a title for this week's currently. oh, and i'm hungry.

he must be doing somersaults in there right now. maybe even cartwheels. moving non-stop for the last hour. and i didn't even eat chocolate today.  actually i've made a conscious effort to not eat as much chocolate as i have been.  it was getting out of hand. and so i've stopped buying chocolate bars and turned my craving into something better: pancakes and donuts. devouring doesn't even begin to describe the action i take with these yummies.  i can't even think of a verb strong enough to convey the intensity of my yearning for sweets right now. just talking about it is upsetting me. making me hungry. i should be sleeping. i was tired all day. but instead i'm a sugar vampire blogging and salivating at my own words. i would say i'm thankful for my self-restraint, but let's not kid ourselves. as soon as i finish typing this post i am going to race down to the kitchen and scavenge my pantry for any forgotten junk food that didn't get dumped in my attempt to cleanse last week.  so i'll just say i'm thankful for everything else. because i am.  i can't just pick one thing. i can't rank my thankfuls in a hierarchy or pyramid.. i'd end up forgetting something that should most likely be at the top of the list. i'd end up blabbing on and on like an annoying oscar speech that gets cut off by music and commercial breaks. so let's avoid it and leave it at thank you, you know just who and what you are. i'd say i'm probably inspired by the people and things that i am thankful for, but then it would seem like i'm trying to rush through this post so i can pass out because i'm never up this late and i'm tired as hell.  so instead i'll say that i'm inspired by all the new people i've come across on instagram. stefano thinks i'm addicted. maybe i am. maybe  you can take away the maybe.  i can't believe how many awesome things you see, find, and learn through this social network.  i probably sound weird and cultish right now. addicted and obsessed, yah?  so many inspiring people and ideas.  i find myself almost overwhelmed by it all.  it's an awesome show on our very own  personal discovery channel.  it sparks ideas and inspires me in ways i never would've imagined. there are some pretty amazing photos on there. some pretty amazing people. uber inspirational.  but time consuming.  i try not to let it take up all my time these days.. especially because i have so much to do before number two. i'm starting to nest. cleaning like daddy warbuck's maids. i just came up from the basement where i have boxes and boxes of seba's baby clothes. baby clothes - as if he's no longer my baby.  his lifetime's clothes set out before me in four piles 0-6, 6-12, 12-18, 18-24. imagining a new little body to fill them. the rompers and sun hats. little socks. and cloth diapers. so many favourites coming to life again. stuffed. crowded. crushed. piled high. so overwhelming. so emotional.
and that's it. this is the way my current is flowing lately. i think i forgot to say what i'm watching, but i'm not watching much of anything lately. just the date. the time. the minutes. watching them tick way too fast. way too slow.
i have no photos to add to this post. a lie. i have plenty photos but my lids are heavy and i'm really about to pass out.

oh! a shout to randalin and wendy for creating another great set of themes for this week's currently post. i didn't realize i missed last week's until i started typing this one. i guess i suck.

ps. too tired to edit this for typos or plain old  non-nonsensical blabber... which in the ladder case would mean i'd be editing and deleting the whole post.
you know what: just ignore me and click on the link below to check out all the awesome bloggers that take part in this little link-up.
Harvesting Kale

365 minutes with stinky: minute ninety-three and ninety-four.

was just about to upload a video of seba from today when i found these two. my favouritest singing videos of seba circa december 2011 - he was 22 months and absolutely obsessed with animals and singing. basically the same as he is now.  geez. i just love this kid to pieces. wild hair and all.

June 22, 2012

currently: trying to squeeze my pregnant butt into clothes that don't fit and other nonsensical musings

i don't know why i torture myself into trying clothes on that are clearly too tight. let's bust a button or two. i like living on the edge. oh, and seba is naked with a camera in hand. just another average day. seriously.

i'm currently making a human being -- isn't that enough?  Speaking of which I remember, as child, thinking we were all human beans... ha! it kinda makes sense though -- we all start out as these little eensy weensy beans that turn into full grown babies. honestly i am still in awe that there is a little person inside my belly -- the whole pregnancy - slash - having child inside womb bewilders me. craziness. i'm sure i'm making other less important things.. but i can't think of any of them right now. also, all this human bean making has melted me down into a puddle of tears mostly listening to sarah mcLachlan's i don't know how to let you go, adia, fallen, good enough -- oh how i miss listening to and soaking up strong female voices. sarah, jewel, the cranberries, jan arden, ani defranco let's re-connect. so good in the morning. soo good. 
i'm craving chocolate.  craving, finding, buying, devouring chocolate.  what's weird is that i've had a tub of ice cream in my freezer for two weeks now, and have not yet opened it.  my chocolate craving is very specific. it's a one-chocolate-at-a-time kinda craving.  i'm still hooked on reese peanut butter cups.. but i feel this relationship is nearing its end. the desire has faded.  it could be because i ate an entire bag of mini reese cups yesterday. now the thought of them makes me cringe, but want them at the same time? sick. i'm a sick, sick, preggo woman. eating chocolate covered peanut butter cups that due to extrreme heat are slightly melted and sticky all while writing LISTS. a million lists. do this. do that. do nothing. buy this. buy that. buy everything but what is listed.  lists are fantastic and suck all at once.  they place unnecessary expectations on me... expectations i can never fulfill. but i try. diligently to complete my lists. and if i don't i just erase the things i didn't complete and trick myself into believing i have succeeded. works like a charm every time.
i've been laughing a lot lately. laughing and crying. i'm clearly hormonal and nuts.  people make me laugh. they make me cry. they make me laugh to tears. i make myself laugh a lot as well. my thoughts. my actions. all very humorous lately. but the best laughs have been the real, deep, genuine ones that seba gives me. he just blabs non-stop now.. and every sentence that comes out of his little mouth gives me a smile, chuckle, or full laugh. the kid is clearly a comedian. i'd share some with you, but it wouldn't be as funny... i'd just be one of those parents that repeat proud stories of their child and you'd just be one of those people that listen, smiling politely, laughing when appropriate.. but just not getting it. so let's call it even and pretend the whole conversation already took place and we all agree my child is the funniest bean to ever live. yah.

so this was my post for randalin's currently link-up. click below to read what the others are up to.  or join in? do your own currenly post and link-up with randalin. i love these posts... mainly because they push me to write. period.  it's almost like being in school and having a concrete deadline. i feel guilty if i forget or don't participate. plus the categories release my poor over-worked brain from thinking more than it already does. too many thoughts not enough room. you should see my the notepad on my phone. just disgusting. anyhow click below.

Harvesting Kale

June 18, 2012

dear daddy

you say go, go, go - while i say slow down. you say jump and soar -  while is say hold my hand. you stay still and watch him trip and fall from afar -  while i tiptoe behind him using every ounce of self restraint not to scoop him up an protect him from the inevitable.

it's just as we are meant to be. blending and balancing. nurturing and protecting. loving each other. loving him.

even though you drive me nuts with your hands-on, wild, and spontaneous approach to parenting -- i know that this is exactly what seba needs. you are the exact picture of a the best father i could have ever imagined for our son and i love you a million times over.

happy daddy's day stefano -- i cannot wait for the day when i will turn to our boys and say, "you're just like your father."


June 12, 2012

currently.. way off track with my days and i wanted this to be a thursday post

but clearly following through with my plans is not my forte. it's monday night, but by the time i actually post this it will probably be tuesday. i'm not going to have photos again because i've just recently been informed by blogger that i've reached my photo upload quota. question: how can someone who hardly ever blogs reach the limit?  on the other hand at least i've reached something. i'm accomplished.  oh you know, i have to upgrade because i'm such a great photo-uploader. lisa, the photo-upload over-achiever. 

speaking of over-achieving, two weeks in a row -- here we go! 

reading: i feel like lying. claiming that i am reading some interesting novel that i can't bare to tear myself away from, and if people i actually know didn't read this blog, it would probably fly.. but since that isn't the case,  i'm pretty sure someone would rat me out in the comments. and so here i am telling you that i'm currently reading NOTHING.  i love to read.  before seba joined us i was an avid reader.  obsessive.  when i'd go on vacation at least 1/2 my suitcase would be books. i miss reading, but i honestly can't find the time to keep up with it.  so my reading life has been narrowed down to a once-a-month copy of House & Home that I read in the bath while inhaling a chocolate bar.  reese's peanut butter cups going strong two weeks in a row!

loving: my deep and profound conversations with Seba the two-year-old toddler. today's main conversation was something like this:
seba: mommy seba cacca potty.
me: seba, do you have to go potty?
seba: i do it. seba cacca potty. (he goes to the bathroom, i continue preparing dinner)
seba: mommy. mommy. come. come. seba cacca. potty.
me: are you done yet? call mommy when you're all done. ok?
seba: mommy come. come. come. potty. 
me: (standing at bathroom door) yes seba?
seba: mommy. seba cacca. moo cacca. cacca moo. and aly eat bread. (aly is his cousin)
me: what? (yes i know i should say pardon me, blah. blah. blah. i forget)
seba: cacca moo. moo is cow. cow cacca. moo cacca. sit mommy. sit down. seba big cacca. cacca moo. (not sure where he got this amazing ability to make comparisons. but i'm sure if he ever sees a cow's crap, he'll realize the inaccuracy of his observation).

eating: {ok, so i'm not at the limit limit... i'm at 86% - it was just a warning. i could delete the whole "i am an over-achiever comment up there.. but why?}

 fruit smoothies with sparkling water
homemade juice! -- proving a little difficult... mainly because it requires effort. but so worth it.

looking forward to:  i'm not really looking forward to anything right now. i'm happy where i am. looking forward to every moment of everyday. appreciating the now.  i had a few busy weeks helping my dearest friend with her wedding -- which was absolutely the best wedding of all time.  so for now i'm just enjoying my down time. 

congratulations, you made it to the end! click here now to claim your prize:
Harvesting Kale

i feel like i should re-read this for spelling and grammatical errors. but i'm craving chocolate. i'm dehydrated. and i'm tired.

June 5, 2012

thursdayness: a blog link-up with randalin @ harvesting kale

i know it's not thursday, but in my defence i did write this post last thursday. i planned on adding photos to it, then forgot about it and now here i am posting it almost a week later sans photos. shocking, i know. so i'm not changing the post title and that's that. 

i think a blog link-up is some sort of social thingamagig where bloggers all focus on the same topic and then we can somehow link back to one original blogger who will then have links for all the other blogs that participated. i might be way off on this, but it sounds close enough to be almost right.  either way, i'm participating.  i am a participator.  i am connecting and doing something social.  go me, go.

i am about to list my currently themes... but you should know that being pregnant causes them to change dramatically from day to day. i could probably do a currently post everyday and it would just blow your mind. and mine.

anyhow... we're off!

cooking: pasta.  if cooking is included in all forthcoming currently posts you can pretty much be sure i'll just be typing *see week 1*.  i do cook other things. sometimes -- chicken, steak...maybe once a week. rice - pretty much never. bread, pizza.  i love to eat. like really, really, really, really  love to eat. and so cooking is mandatory. if i must get specific, today i'm going to cook filet mignon with sauteed mushrooms and onions. we'll eat it with a baguette. and we'll drink carbonated water.  then i'll probably inhale a caramilk chocolate bar for dessert.  {edit: i did cook this last thursday and did all of the above with grace and perfection. as for today, today - i made crepes with prosciutto, arugula, mushrooms and onions. they were polished off with a reese's peanut butter cup: caramilk has been replaced. i will miss him dearly}

wearing:  one of 4 maternity tank tops i caved and purchased a couple weeks ago. it's all about the length.  i actually thought i could make it through this pregnancy with all my regular, non-maternity clothes until one day i felt wind on my belly and realized my shirts were shrinking. 4 long tank tops. i will wear them until i can't wear them anymore. they will be my summer. paired with thrifted skirts and harem pants. sandals on mah feet. so much easier than a winter pregnancy of  jackets and sweaters, jeans and dress pants. blah. blah. blah. note to you: have a summer baby - you get to wear skirts and tanks the whole way through and bonus: outdoor birthday parties. it's a win-win situation no matter which way you look at it. except for the sweat and swelling of course. {edit: it has become shockingly cold since writing this post, and i am now forced to wear my tanks under long-sleeved tops that are possibly too short, paired with jeans that don't button. no sandals. no fun}

wanting: chocolate.

listening to: seba moan and groan. poor boy has strep throat. you know he actually started moaning "mamma" a couple days ago and me, being the bright light bulb that i am, didn't even realize he may have been coming down with something.  i figured he was hitting an 'i will moan and whine for my mother constantly' stage.  i was already trying to figure out the best strategy for diffusing it as quickly and moan-free as humanly possible. {edit: the boy is healed. thank the lord. i now listen to various remixes of songs by seba. how he manages to start with old mac donald, followed by twinkle twinkle, blended into frere jacques and perfectly ending with bingo is beyond me. the boy is clearly a lyrical genius.}

watching: nothing. we barely watch tv - not because we are those parents/people who believe tv is the devil and renders our brains useless, possibly inducing us into mini-comas (which it probably does) -- but because we're just not interested in anything besides two programs: grey's anatomy (which had the season finale last week) and hockey (which i've been told is currently running the stanley cup playoffs). besides tv i'm watching seba grow, water boil, laundry pile up, boobs swell and a belly to match. i don't think i'm missing out on much.  i wouldn't mind watching the black that is the inside of my eyelids a little more. i'm tired. and exhausted.  but push on i will.  oh yes. forgot -- i'm also watching what i eat. and i mean this literally. actually looking at the trashy junk that i'm about to inhale and then inhaling it. i tend to rub my double chin while chewing.

i really did want to add photos to this post, but honestly it's too late for effort right now. and so i leave you wanting more. lisa the tease, that's me.


ps. randalin: i deserve an 'A' for at least completing the task right? i think it was supposed to be a little more interesting - maybe with links and cool things of interest.  instead it's just about me. i may have missed something. or i'm just an egocentric blabber. probably a little bit of both. or a lot.

 click here now for an idea of what this post was really supposed to be like:
Harvesting Kale

May 17, 2012

thursdayness: where i'm at now and a whole lot of nonsensical blabbing.

i'm stuck. breath held, frozen.  i'm sure it's just cause he's in this wild stage that i'm worried.  terrible twos have basically scared the shit out of me... and they're not even that terrible.  most of the time i'm happy, but then this wave of holy-shit fear and sadness hits me. renders me still. and suffocates me. i lie on the couch, salty tears and all. how will i do it? how will we do it?  will we adjust? what the heck have i gotten myself into? sometimes i lie here watching seba run around like a caged animal that's just been set free...  but i'm numb... and he is barely audible to me... it's like i've dived under water and now i can only hear faint sounds of his loudness. it feels nice. and then boom - a kick in the gut from little mister wonder snaps me out of it. i immediately feel guilty for my unfounded fear, for my ridiculous sadness. i smile, rub my belly and return to presentness. i am here. i am here. i am here. kids can do that to you. make you think you're going crazy. make you think you miss your pre-kid life.  it does happen. moments. brief moments of insanity. but then you snap out of it. you realize that these are just split seconds lost in a sea of crazy love. you will eventually laugh at them.  i do this a lot.  share stories with family and friends.. situations where in the moment i know i was angry but somehow in re-telling the story i'm laughing hysterically at the madness of it all. what a cycle. a joyous one. i think it helps that stefano and i are hands-on, no plan parents. we don't take life too seriously and we enjoy random, spontaneous adventures... including the daily ones that seba takes us on. we do experience a lot of insane moments, but we usually just join in on them. i can't really blame seba for being crazy -- with us as his parents he didn't have a hope in hell at being a calm, normal child. and i do hope mr. wonder is just like big brother. loving and caring, crazy and chaotic.  all the things that make up a well-rounded individual. seba makes my life right now.  i sometimes wonder how i will be able to handle having a crush on three boys at once.  i've heard that your heart doubles in size leaving a lot of room for number two.  i think mine just might explode.  i'll lie on the floor blasted into millions of tiny pieces... and seba will probably scream: "mommy, daddy, mommy, explode. kkkkk?!"
even now my heart threatens to explode just thinking about all of seba's newborn clothes i get to re-visit.. a new little body to fill them.. i actually cried when he outgrew all of stefano's vintage baby stuff. oh man.. the rompers, hats, and onesies. i swear i could go into labour just thinking about them. and a secret? i've still been scanning sales for baby clothes and saving countless images via etsy. visiting value village like it's crack and i'm an addict.  but mister  wonder deserves some cute onesies of his own, doesn't he? i have a soft spot for a baby boys in rompers. well more than soft.. more like mushy and overripe. think c-drive at capacity due to photos of vintage rompers. that's my computer right now.
...and this? this is pretty much me right now.  a video of where i'm at. the very first video of seba once we arrived home from the hospital: can you believe i even long to hear newborn cries? bad bad bad baby fever.  i can't wait for this little man -- i'm so much more anxious this time around.  i want to smell his baby scent. see his sweet little face and oversized hands. hold him, hug him, feed him, love him. love him. love him. love him.
oh yikes.  i'm in trouble. already head-over-heels and knocked over. here we go again.


p.s. i'd like to thank everyone for their sweet comments and encouraging words via this blog, email and facebook.  my last post was a little emotional and your words have meant so much to me.  i am so thankful for the understanding and encouraging friends that surround me.  i really think people have no idea how a few thoughtful words can make someone's day. or at least make my day. heck, you guys made my year.

p.p.s. blogger should be called blabber. at least in my case.

May 16, 2012

life and loves: a trip to new england

about five weeks ago -- a visit to vermont, massachusetts, conneticut, and rhode island.  so much beauty it was insane.  the little streets of manchester, vt. and new port, ri. were something out of a dream.  vintage shops, little boutiques, cafes and cobblestone: love. seba's favourite part, aside from eating, was stopping at cape cod to throw rocks in the water and scream at the seagulls.  it was a great time. i love road-trips.
bagel obsession
 the cutest little one-woman-run cafe
with the best turkey, guacamole, cranberry sandwich of all time
seba doing a dance outside of our cute little motel room in manchester

preferred means of transportation

love these stairs
boston had the cutest little apartments and houses, every street the same yet different
stefano forced encouraged me to do the 3 hour freedom trail walk with him

we ate at the oyster house. best clam chowder of my life
and finally - the highlight of the trip: we threw rocks in the ocean and screamed at the seagulls

 sunset in newport and home the next day. definitely worth the trip. and even a return one
the end.


May 4, 2012


let me start by saying: i was never a tomboy, but i ain't no ballerina either (well maybe i was for a short  time when my parents had me signed up in ballet.. but i was the kid at the back.. the shy, skinny, awkwardish child with no rhythm).  i don't like sports -- playing them, watching them, talking about them. just not interested.  when we found i was pregnant with seba... i don't recall ever thinking about sex until other people brought it up... you know the: "you look like your carrying a (fill in the sex)" comments.  i did think that because of my lack of love for boy things that it would be way more fun to have a girl. dress her up. comb her hair. show her off. the usual.  still, it wasn't a preference... not even a hope or dream.. just a passing thought. i guess i didn't really care either way. after having seba i realized all my gender stereotypes were... TRUE (hahahah, bet you thought i was going to stay false, or ridiculous!) the boy loves sports, trucks, cars, airplanes... but you know what i learned? that he also likes copying me, wearing my purses and bracelets, cuddling up with a book and kissing contests (i.e. who can give the most kisses in a minute - he wins!).  still even if he confirmed my stereotypes.. i'm pretty sure it's not because he's a boy... his likes and dislikes are clearly influenced by his parents and the activities they participate in.  stefano is a a sport fanatic - he plays, watches and talks sport.  seba developed this love from stefano.  from me he developed his love for eating and taking baths.  going into this second pregnancy the only thing i hoped for was a child that enjoys my interests: blogs, reading, eating and sleeping. i don't think it's that big of a dream.
we always planned on spawning three devils.. and thought at least two would be boys (i because stefano has a younger brother and it just seemed like we would follow that pattern, and for stefano because he thinks brothers are awesome and wants to build a hockey team). so it was no shock that the first name that came to me when we found out were pregnant was this little zygote's name. i knew it would be him.  what i didn't expect was to experience an emotional tornado upon sharing the news. first off i should mention that everyone and their mother was interested in the sex of my child. almost more than we were! i can't believe how many people assume that once you have one sex you should automatically disappointed should the second one be the same. what?!?!  i grew up in a one of each sex household.. and let me tell you: my brother liked me until i was about 5 years old when he realized i was a girl.  i know friends who grew-up with siblings of the same sex who fought wwf style throughout their entire childhood. likewise i'm sure there are many brother-sister combos, brother-brother combos and sister-sister combos that lived happily and remained friends their whole lives.  i don't think there is an extra-special bond between just brothers or just sisters.  like any friendship the one between siblings will be based on personality and effort. i know there are many parents out there who have strong opinions on what sex they would like their unborn child to be, but i really think if you feel that strongly about it you shouldn't even be having kids.  how can you love a child unconditionally but have the whole premise of pregnancy be based on a condition? what makes people think it's ok to say things like "ohh too bad, you must have been hoping for a girl/boy this time"?  the words "too bad" are not something i would ever associate with pregnancy. babies are the best.  they are bloody miracles whether they have a penis or not.  the only difference for me is that  if i had found out  he was she i would have saved the name for next time and gone shopping. why? because i am female and i am shopper. let's not pretend there is an abundance of cute boy clothing out there. easy shopping for girls, challenging shopping for boys. the end.  still i was affected by the people around me.  i did start to question my own hopes and dreams.  wondering if i really was happy that i was having another boy.  it's weird how the reactions of others can have such a strong influence sometimes.  can even make you question your own idea of happiness.  would i miss out on buying girly-girl outfits? would my life be less fulfilled without ponytails and purses? i started to question every little detail. i fast-forwarded into the future wondering: will my boys grow-up, marry women that hate me and ignore me forever? i actually cried thinking about this. it was stefano that made me realize that the way your child matures and treats you is a reflection of how you raise and treat them. i guess a daughter could grow-up, marry a man that hates me and the result would be the same.  i grew up, dressed like a boy (most of the time) and traveled across an ocean to italy. staying for months and years at a time. almost moving there. and i never walked down an aisle in a white gown.  i guess i didn't fulfill the dreams of a daughter.  but i am super close with my parents... sometimes so much so that stefano makes jokes about the umbilical cord never  having been cut. and i can only hope that the relationship i have with my kids is equally loving as the one i have with my parents.
and so here i am about to become a mother of boys.  why is it when you have one boy your just a mother, but when you have more that one you are suddenly a mother of boys?  does something change when you have two boys?  does the first boy become boy-i-er? do i have to trade in my skirts for jogging pants? wear running shoes everyday?  learn to throw or kick a ball?  it can't be because i become outnumbered.. because i already am.   i know! it because the boys will post notes on their doors that read "no girls allowed" - and it will basically only apply to me!  will i cry or just head to a thrift store with a coffee? hmm.. tough call.
seba already excludes me from sports.  or at least tries to make me feel like the uncoordinated person that i am.  i won't cry over this. i accepted my lack of coordination and physical fitness a long time ago.  but what i lack in these areas i make up for in cooking, eating and downright good times.  they'll love me for me and i'll love them for them. we'll laugh, fight, cry and be happy. harmoniously and perfectly. together. flowing the way it was intended. simultaneously attracting and repelling each other our whole lives. and i will love it because it will be us. our family. unique and special.
it's funny how we seem to always know what we want, but never know what we need.  i needed stefano. i needed sebastian. and now i need gabriel too -- i think we all do.



May 3, 2012

lake simcoe on an unusually warm day in march.. and i forgot to post these photos

mid-march heat
it felt like a sneak-peak of summer
a short preview of what was to come
a beach, a baby and two boys
 my belly was still in the awkward i'm pregnant but just look like i had one too many beers phase and so i have way too many photos of my feet
 this boy must always have a puck, ball, stick, baseball bat in his hands at all time. if he doesn't become an amazing something at something, i will be shocked.
 dipping their toes in the freezing water and shouting "code, daddy, code" (you probably figured it out, but just in case: code = cold)
 throwing stones through open legs. i can see the fun in that. kinda.
it was around this moment i went to sit at the picnic table and eat left over mac and cheese with ketchup.  it was a weird craving phase. i hadn't had mac and cheese in forever. i'm talking over 10 years at least.  thankfully the phase ended and only three boxes were sacrificed. 
 the best sunset. it was still warm going into the evening.  an amazing day through and through.
but don't just take my word for it. ask him!


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