May 17, 2012

thursdayness: where i'm at now and a whole lot of nonsensical blabbing.

i'm stuck. breath held, frozen.  i'm sure it's just cause he's in this wild stage that i'm worried.  terrible twos have basically scared the shit out of me... and they're not even that terrible.  most of the time i'm happy, but then this wave of holy-shit fear and sadness hits me. renders me still. and suffocates me. i lie on the couch, salty tears and all. how will i do it? how will we do it?  will we adjust? what the heck have i gotten myself into? sometimes i lie here watching seba run around like a caged animal that's just been set free...  but i'm numb... and he is barely audible to me... it's like i've dived under water and now i can only hear faint sounds of his loudness. it feels nice. and then boom - a kick in the gut from little mister wonder snaps me out of it. i immediately feel guilty for my unfounded fear, for my ridiculous sadness. i smile, rub my belly and return to presentness. i am here. i am here. i am here. kids can do that to you. make you think you're going crazy. make you think you miss your pre-kid life.  it does happen. moments. brief moments of insanity. but then you snap out of it. you realize that these are just split seconds lost in a sea of crazy love. you will eventually laugh at them.  i do this a lot.  share stories with family and friends.. situations where in the moment i know i was angry but somehow in re-telling the story i'm laughing hysterically at the madness of it all. what a cycle. a joyous one. i think it helps that stefano and i are hands-on, no plan parents. we don't take life too seriously and we enjoy random, spontaneous adventures... including the daily ones that seba takes us on. we do experience a lot of insane moments, but we usually just join in on them. i can't really blame seba for being crazy -- with us as his parents he didn't have a hope in hell at being a calm, normal child. and i do hope mr. wonder is just like big brother. loving and caring, crazy and chaotic.  all the things that make up a well-rounded individual. seba makes my life right now.  i sometimes wonder how i will be able to handle having a crush on three boys at once.  i've heard that your heart doubles in size leaving a lot of room for number two.  i think mine just might explode.  i'll lie on the floor blasted into millions of tiny pieces... and seba will probably scream: "mommy, daddy, mommy, explode. kkkkk?!"
even now my heart threatens to explode just thinking about all of seba's newborn clothes i get to re-visit.. a new little body to fill them.. i actually cried when he outgrew all of stefano's vintage baby stuff. oh man.. the rompers, hats, and onesies. i swear i could go into labour just thinking about them. and a secret? i've still been scanning sales for baby clothes and saving countless images via etsy. visiting value village like it's crack and i'm an addict.  but mister  wonder deserves some cute onesies of his own, doesn't he? i have a soft spot for a baby boys in rompers. well more than soft.. more like mushy and overripe. think c-drive at capacity due to photos of vintage rompers. that's my computer right now.
...and this? this is pretty much me right now.  a video of where i'm at. the very first video of seba once we arrived home from the hospital: can you believe i even long to hear newborn cries? bad bad bad baby fever.  i can't wait for this little man -- i'm so much more anxious this time around.  i want to smell his baby scent. see his sweet little face and oversized hands. hold him, hug him, feed him, love him. love him. love him. love him.
oh yikes.  i'm in trouble. already head-over-heels and knocked over. here we go again.


p.s. i'd like to thank everyone for their sweet comments and encouraging words via this blog, email and facebook.  my last post was a little emotional and your words have meant so much to me.  i am so thankful for the understanding and encouraging friends that surround me.  i really think people have no idea how a few thoughtful words can make someone's day. or at least make my day. heck, you guys made my year.

p.p.s. blogger should be called blabber. at least in my case.

May 16, 2012

life and loves: a trip to new england

about five weeks ago -- a visit to vermont, massachusetts, conneticut, and rhode island.  so much beauty it was insane.  the little streets of manchester, vt. and new port, ri. were something out of a dream.  vintage shops, little boutiques, cafes and cobblestone: love. seba's favourite part, aside from eating, was stopping at cape cod to throw rocks in the water and scream at the seagulls.  it was a great time. i love road-trips.
bagel obsession
 the cutest little one-woman-run cafe
with the best turkey, guacamole, cranberry sandwich of all time
seba doing a dance outside of our cute little motel room in manchester

preferred means of transportation

love these stairs
boston had the cutest little apartments and houses, every street the same yet different
stefano forced encouraged me to do the 3 hour freedom trail walk with him

we ate at the oyster house. best clam chowder of my life
and finally - the highlight of the trip: we threw rocks in the ocean and screamed at the seagulls

 sunset in newport and home the next day. definitely worth the trip. and even a return one
the end.


May 4, 2012


let me start by saying: i was never a tomboy, but i ain't no ballerina either (well maybe i was for a short  time when my parents had me signed up in ballet.. but i was the kid at the back.. the shy, skinny, awkwardish child with no rhythm).  i don't like sports -- playing them, watching them, talking about them. just not interested.  when we found i was pregnant with seba... i don't recall ever thinking about sex until other people brought it up... you know the: "you look like your carrying a (fill in the sex)" comments.  i did think that because of my lack of love for boy things that it would be way more fun to have a girl. dress her up. comb her hair. show her off. the usual.  still, it wasn't a preference... not even a hope or dream.. just a passing thought. i guess i didn't really care either way. after having seba i realized all my gender stereotypes were... TRUE (hahahah, bet you thought i was going to stay false, or ridiculous!) the boy loves sports, trucks, cars, airplanes... but you know what i learned? that he also likes copying me, wearing my purses and bracelets, cuddling up with a book and kissing contests (i.e. who can give the most kisses in a minute - he wins!).  still even if he confirmed my stereotypes.. i'm pretty sure it's not because he's a boy... his likes and dislikes are clearly influenced by his parents and the activities they participate in.  stefano is a a sport fanatic - he plays, watches and talks sport.  seba developed this love from stefano.  from me he developed his love for eating and taking baths.  going into this second pregnancy the only thing i hoped for was a child that enjoys my interests: blogs, reading, eating and sleeping. i don't think it's that big of a dream.
we always planned on spawning three devils.. and thought at least two would be boys (i because stefano has a younger brother and it just seemed like we would follow that pattern, and for stefano because he thinks brothers are awesome and wants to build a hockey team). so it was no shock that the first name that came to me when we found out were pregnant was this little zygote's name. i knew it would be him.  what i didn't expect was to experience an emotional tornado upon sharing the news. first off i should mention that everyone and their mother was interested in the sex of my child. almost more than we were! i can't believe how many people assume that once you have one sex you should automatically disappointed should the second one be the same. what?!?!  i grew up in a one of each sex household.. and let me tell you: my brother liked me until i was about 5 years old when he realized i was a girl.  i know friends who grew-up with siblings of the same sex who fought wwf style throughout their entire childhood. likewise i'm sure there are many brother-sister combos, brother-brother combos and sister-sister combos that lived happily and remained friends their whole lives.  i don't think there is an extra-special bond between just brothers or just sisters.  like any friendship the one between siblings will be based on personality and effort. i know there are many parents out there who have strong opinions on what sex they would like their unborn child to be, but i really think if you feel that strongly about it you shouldn't even be having kids.  how can you love a child unconditionally but have the whole premise of pregnancy be based on a condition? what makes people think it's ok to say things like "ohh too bad, you must have been hoping for a girl/boy this time"?  the words "too bad" are not something i would ever associate with pregnancy. babies are the best.  they are bloody miracles whether they have a penis or not.  the only difference for me is that  if i had found out  he was she i would have saved the name for next time and gone shopping. why? because i am female and i am shopper. let's not pretend there is an abundance of cute boy clothing out there. easy shopping for girls, challenging shopping for boys. the end.  still i was affected by the people around me.  i did start to question my own hopes and dreams.  wondering if i really was happy that i was having another boy.  it's weird how the reactions of others can have such a strong influence sometimes.  can even make you question your own idea of happiness.  would i miss out on buying girly-girl outfits? would my life be less fulfilled without ponytails and purses? i started to question every little detail. i fast-forwarded into the future wondering: will my boys grow-up, marry women that hate me and ignore me forever? i actually cried thinking about this. it was stefano that made me realize that the way your child matures and treats you is a reflection of how you raise and treat them. i guess a daughter could grow-up, marry a man that hates me and the result would be the same.  i grew up, dressed like a boy (most of the time) and traveled across an ocean to italy. staying for months and years at a time. almost moving there. and i never walked down an aisle in a white gown.  i guess i didn't fulfill the dreams of a daughter.  but i am super close with my parents... sometimes so much so that stefano makes jokes about the umbilical cord never  having been cut. and i can only hope that the relationship i have with my kids is equally loving as the one i have with my parents.
and so here i am about to become a mother of boys.  why is it when you have one boy your just a mother, but when you have more that one you are suddenly a mother of boys?  does something change when you have two boys?  does the first boy become boy-i-er? do i have to trade in my skirts for jogging pants? wear running shoes everyday?  learn to throw or kick a ball?  it can't be because i become outnumbered.. because i already am.   i know! it because the boys will post notes on their doors that read "no girls allowed" - and it will basically only apply to me!  will i cry or just head to a thrift store with a coffee? hmm.. tough call.
seba already excludes me from sports.  or at least tries to make me feel like the uncoordinated person that i am.  i won't cry over this. i accepted my lack of coordination and physical fitness a long time ago.  but what i lack in these areas i make up for in cooking, eating and downright good times.  they'll love me for me and i'll love them for them. we'll laugh, fight, cry and be happy. harmoniously and perfectly. together. flowing the way it was intended. simultaneously attracting and repelling each other our whole lives. and i will love it because it will be us. our family. unique and special.
it's funny how we seem to always know what we want, but never know what we need.  i needed stefano. i needed sebastian. and now i need gabriel too -- i think we all do.



May 3, 2012

lake simcoe on an unusually warm day in march.. and i forgot to post these photos

mid-march heat
it felt like a sneak-peak of summer
a short preview of what was to come
a beach, a baby and two boys
 my belly was still in the awkward i'm pregnant but just look like i had one too many beers phase and so i have way too many photos of my feet
 this boy must always have a puck, ball, stick, baseball bat in his hands at all time. if he doesn't become an amazing something at something, i will be shocked.
 dipping their toes in the freezing water and shouting "code, daddy, code" (you probably figured it out, but just in case: code = cold)
 throwing stones through open legs. i can see the fun in that. kinda.
it was around this moment i went to sit at the picnic table and eat left over mac and cheese with ketchup.  it was a weird craving phase. i hadn't had mac and cheese in forever. i'm talking over 10 years at least.  thankfully the phase ended and only three boxes were sacrificed. 
 the best sunset. it was still warm going into the evening.  an amazing day through and through.
but don't just take my word for it. ask him!


May 2, 2012

365 minutes with stinky: minute ninety-two

old, but good.  seba singing "go leafs go".
i think this may have been recorded sometime in december. 
ps. i know his voice is raspy.. but no, he's not a smoker.

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