May 4, 2012

sexpectations

let me start by saying: i was never a tomboy, but i ain't no ballerina either (well maybe i was for a short  time when my parents had me signed up in ballet.. but i was the kid at the back.. the shy, skinny, awkwardish child with no rhythm).  i don't like sports -- playing them, watching them, talking about them. just not interested.  when we found i was pregnant with seba... i don't recall ever thinking about sex until other people brought it up... you know the: "you look like your carrying a (fill in the sex)" comments.  i did think that because of my lack of love for boy things that it would be way more fun to have a girl. dress her up. comb her hair. show her off. the usual.  still, it wasn't a preference... not even a hope or dream.. just a passing thought. i guess i didn't really care either way. after having seba i realized all my gender stereotypes were... TRUE (hahahah, bet you thought i was going to stay false, or ridiculous!) the boy loves sports, trucks, cars, airplanes... but you know what i learned? that he also likes copying me, wearing my purses and bracelets, cuddling up with a book and kissing contests (i.e. who can give the most kisses in a minute - he wins!).  still even if he confirmed my stereotypes.. i'm pretty sure it's not because he's a boy... his likes and dislikes are clearly influenced by his parents and the activities they participate in.  stefano is a a sport fanatic - he plays, watches and talks sport.  seba developed this love from stefano.  from me he developed his love for eating and taking baths.  going into this second pregnancy the only thing i hoped for was a child that enjoys my interests: blogs, reading, eating and sleeping. i don't think it's that big of a dream.
***
we always planned on spawning three devils.. and thought at least two would be boys (i because stefano has a younger brother and it just seemed like we would follow that pattern, and for stefano because he thinks brothers are awesome and wants to build a hockey team). so it was no shock that the first name that came to me when we found out were pregnant was this little zygote's name. i knew it would be him.  what i didn't expect was to experience an emotional tornado upon sharing the news. first off i should mention that everyone and their mother was interested in the sex of my child. almost more than we were! i can't believe how many people assume that once you have one sex you should automatically disappointed should the second one be the same. what?!?!  i grew up in a one of each sex household.. and let me tell you: my brother liked me until i was about 5 years old when he realized i was a girl.  i know friends who grew-up with siblings of the same sex who fought wwf style throughout their entire childhood. likewise i'm sure there are many brother-sister combos, brother-brother combos and sister-sister combos that lived happily and remained friends their whole lives.  i don't think there is an extra-special bond between just brothers or just sisters.  like any friendship the one between siblings will be based on personality and effort. i know there are many parents out there who have strong opinions on what sex they would like their unborn child to be, but i really think if you feel that strongly about it you shouldn't even be having kids.  how can you love a child unconditionally but have the whole premise of pregnancy be based on a condition? what makes people think it's ok to say things like "ohh too bad, you must have been hoping for a girl/boy this time"?  the words "too bad" are not something i would ever associate with pregnancy. babies are the best.  they are bloody miracles whether they have a penis or not.  the only difference for me is that  if i had found out  he was she i would have saved the name for next time and gone shopping. why? because i am female and i am shopper. let's not pretend there is an abundance of cute boy clothing out there. easy shopping for girls, challenging shopping for boys. the end.  still i was affected by the people around me.  i did start to question my own hopes and dreams.  wondering if i really was happy that i was having another boy.  it's weird how the reactions of others can have such a strong influence sometimes.  can even make you question your own idea of happiness.  would i miss out on buying girly-girl outfits? would my life be less fulfilled without ponytails and purses? i started to question every little detail. i fast-forwarded into the future wondering: will my boys grow-up, marry women that hate me and ignore me forever? i actually cried thinking about this. it was stefano that made me realize that the way your child matures and treats you is a reflection of how you raise and treat them. i guess a daughter could grow-up, marry a man that hates me and the result would be the same.  i grew up, dressed like a boy (most of the time) and traveled across an ocean to italy. staying for months and years at a time. almost moving there. and i never walked down an aisle in a white gown.  i guess i didn't fulfill the dreams of a daughter.  but i am super close with my parents... sometimes so much so that stefano makes jokes about the umbilical cord never  having been cut. and i can only hope that the relationship i have with my kids is equally loving as the one i have with my parents.
and so here i am about to become a mother of boys.  why is it when you have one boy your just a mother, but when you have more that one you are suddenly a mother of boys?  does something change when you have two boys?  does the first boy become boy-i-er? do i have to trade in my skirts for jogging pants? wear running shoes everyday?  learn to throw or kick a ball?  it can't be because i become outnumbered.. because i already am.   i know! it because the boys will post notes on their doors that read "no girls allowed" - and it will basically only apply to me!  will i cry or just head to a thrift store with a coffee? hmm.. tough call.
seba already excludes me from sports.  or at least tries to make me feel like the uncoordinated person that i am.  i won't cry over this. i accepted my lack of coordination and physical fitness a long time ago.  but what i lack in these areas i make up for in cooking, eating and downright good times.  they'll love me for me and i'll love them for them. we'll laugh, fight, cry and be happy. harmoniously and perfectly. together. flowing the way it was intended. simultaneously attracting and repelling each other our whole lives. and i will love it because it will be us. our family. unique and special.
it's funny how we seem to always know what we want, but never know what we need.  i needed stefano. i needed sebastian. and now i need gabriel too -- i think we all do.

xxx
lisa



                                                     

6 comments:

  1. Luv this! And you will love being a mom to 2 boys.... So much fun!
    Congrats to you and all your boys xo

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    1. Ps that was from me,
      heather gintoli

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  2. First off can I just say I LOVE your name choice - it's obviously a favourite of mine {I knew we'd be blogging besties}...

    B. I loved this post. When I found out that Gabe was a he instead of a she I was admittedly a bit nervous/disappointed... I have 4 sisters, no brothers so boys and their anatomy scared me a bit (okay a lot) and I worried that the brother-sister bond wouldn't be as strong as same sex siblings. Now that he's arrived I know he was part of a 'larger' plan - Saige needed a brother just like I needed a son.

    I've been following you on instagram - obviously - and I feel like your pregnancy is flying by! Can't wait to meet little Gabe... xoxo

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  3. this was awesome. also, you totally describe all my interests to a T: "blogs, reading, eating and sleeping."

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  4. I love the name you've chosen. <3

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  5. You're going to love having 2 boys. I felt the exact spectrum of emotions you describe when I found out our second ray of sunshine was a he not a she. I would have it no other way....

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