May 17, 2012

thursdayness: where i'm at now and a whole lot of nonsensical blabbing.

i'm stuck. breath held, frozen.  i'm sure it's just cause he's in this wild stage that i'm worried.  terrible twos have basically scared the shit out of me... and they're not even that terrible.  most of the time i'm happy, but then this wave of holy-shit fear and sadness hits me. renders me still. and suffocates me. i lie on the couch, salty tears and all. how will i do it? how will we do it?  will we adjust? what the heck have i gotten myself into? sometimes i lie here watching seba run around like a caged animal that's just been set free...  but i'm numb... and he is barely audible to me... it's like i've dived under water and now i can only hear faint sounds of his loudness. it feels nice. and then boom - a kick in the gut from little mister wonder snaps me out of it. i immediately feel guilty for my unfounded fear, for my ridiculous sadness. i smile, rub my belly and return to presentness. i am here. i am here. i am here. kids can do that to you. make you think you're going crazy. make you think you miss your pre-kid life.  it does happen. moments. brief moments of insanity. but then you snap out of it. you realize that these are just split seconds lost in a sea of crazy love. you will eventually laugh at them.  i do this a lot.  share stories with family and friends.. situations where in the moment i know i was angry but somehow in re-telling the story i'm laughing hysterically at the madness of it all. what a cycle. a joyous one. i think it helps that stefano and i are hands-on, no plan parents. we don't take life too seriously and we enjoy random, spontaneous adventures... including the daily ones that seba takes us on. we do experience a lot of insane moments, but we usually just join in on them. i can't really blame seba for being crazy -- with us as his parents he didn't have a hope in hell at being a calm, normal child. and i do hope mr. wonder is just like big brother. loving and caring, crazy and chaotic.  all the things that make up a well-rounded individual. seba makes my life right now.  i sometimes wonder how i will be able to handle having a crush on three boys at once.  i've heard that your heart doubles in size leaving a lot of room for number two.  i think mine just might explode.  i'll lie on the floor blasted into millions of tiny pieces... and seba will probably scream: "mommy, daddy, mommy, explode. kkkkk?!"
even now my heart threatens to explode just thinking about all of seba's newborn clothes i get to re-visit.. a new little body to fill them.. i actually cried when he outgrew all of stefano's vintage baby stuff. oh man.. the rompers, hats, and onesies. i swear i could go into labour just thinking about them. and a secret? i've still been scanning sales for baby clothes and saving countless images via etsy. visiting value village like it's crack and i'm an addict.  but mister  wonder deserves some cute onesies of his own, doesn't he? i have a soft spot for a baby boys in rompers. well more than soft.. more like mushy and overripe. think c-drive at capacity due to photos of vintage rompers. that's my computer right now.
...and this? this is pretty much me right now.  a video of where i'm at. the very first video of seba once we arrived home from the hospital: can you believe i even long to hear newborn cries? bad bad bad baby fever.  i can't wait for this little man -- i'm so much more anxious this time around.  i want to smell his baby scent. see his sweet little face and oversized hands. hold him, hug him, feed him, love him. love him. love him. love him.
oh yikes.  i'm in trouble. already head-over-heels and knocked over. here we go again.



xxx
lisa

p.s. i'd like to thank everyone for their sweet comments and encouraging words via this blog, email and facebook.  my last post was a little emotional and your words have meant so much to me.  i am so thankful for the understanding and encouraging friends that surround me.  i really think people have no idea how a few thoughtful words can make someone's day. or at least make my day. heck, you guys made my year.

p.p.s. blogger should be called blabber. at least in my case.

2 comments:

  1. Beautifully written, as always.
    I can definitely relate to those moments where you feel as though you're slipping under the surface....

    ReplyDelete
  2. i love little vintage rompers too! only problem is all the ones I find are for tiny babies, and my little one will be tiny mostly in the cold months where rompers aren't warm enough :(

    ReplyDelete

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