August 28, 2012

Currently: expiring sooner than the milk in my fridge

me @ 36 weeks via vicky starz photography

that's right. you know you've entered the final countdown when the milk in your fridge expires after your due date. that, and your psycho. which i am. pregzilla. nuts. gone. lost my mind and my hip bones. drowned in the lump that i've become. a well-rounded woman. searching for discrete corners in my house where i can inhale my chocolate chip cookies in privacy. without influencing my son to eat junk. without having to share.. i haven't confirmed my motive yet. i see him eating tuna sandwiches on whole grain while i hide behind the mixer, bending over and devouring soft, fresh, chocolate chip cookies. pregnancy has converted me into some kind of emotional eater. i still can't believe the three of us is soon to be the four of us. holy shit. FOUR. and so i eat. cookies. and whopper combos. on the upside, after eating all this crap... i get to end my day with fruit flavoured TUMS. so good. who knew? takes me way back to my hanna-barbera days. i smile. and a midst the moments of psychotic madness i try to remain happy. i think happy thoughts and fly peter pan style. does it work? most of the time. sometimes it helps to just dance and scream. laugh and cry. ignore the laundry and twirl with seba to elton john's tiny dancer on full volume. yes, we do.  dance and twirl ourselves dizzy. a kind of blurry fun. day in and day out. and there i am. happy. even when i'm grumpy. even when i'm tired and in pain. even when i don't know it. there is that spark of true happiness that never fades because i'm spinning.  in love. unbalanced. but safe. my boys won't let me fall. they won't even let me slip.

ps. thank you to my friend of all friends vicky for encouraging me to think happy and be happy. to take some maternity photos. and to eat waffles drenched in maple syrup. you made my day.

pps. thank you to stefano and seba -  the boys who completely drown my days in laughter. i always go to bed with over-smiled, tired cheeks because of you. sometimes as i close my eyes i catch a memory of a ridiculous thing said or done during the day and i giggle to sleep. it's so, so good. i love you.


Harvesting Kale

August 9, 2012

currently: living lost. but living.

{yes i take photos of greeting cards that i like}
it's not my usual thing, blogging before dark, but clearly something's gotta give.  i haven't blogged in weeks.  i made a joke with vicky that instagram has killed the blog.  but the truth is, i've killed it. life has killed it.  i just can't seem to find the time. yet time is in abundance these days. it's the same reason i look at myself everyday saying "you should've combed your hair today. you should've put effort into the way you look. you should care about these things. you have time now. before he arrives. and you do nothing to make yourself look/feel good. what will you be like afterwards? with no time?
will my list of unfinished shit just get longer? i started packing seba's old clothes for gabri. i started organizing their shared room. i started washing little cloth diapers. i started collecting fabric to make cute crib sheets and rompers. i started researching baby-led weaning and such things i never got to fully try with seba.
i started.
but there is a lack of finishing going on here. a huge lack. finishing doesn't even exist unless we're talking about food on plate. it's finished.
i have excuses. lots of them. a bump. some pelvic pain. little sleep. hips that feel locked all night. exhaustion. emotions. and exhausting emotions. overwhelming madness in my brain. my own thoughts tire me. reality is a beautiful dream compared to the nightmarish hell of what my imagination is capable of making me believe.
i close my eyes in the dark. if there is a blackout. if for some reason the lights go out. i close my eyes, hands outstretched and try to make it to safety. i don't try to see. i don't try. i close my eyes when unexpected, scary things happen. i close my eyes when i feel blocked or cornered. i just shut them. and keep them closed until the darkness passes. until my eyes can focus. until i've adjusted.
i don't know where i'm going with this. but i know where i don't want to go. i don't want to get lost in the dark. i want to keep moving. keep planning. keep preparing. we have a little boy coming to stay and he deserves the most welcome of welcomes when he arrives. he deserves the world. and i plan on giving it to him. tired or not. holding him still and calm while the madness swirls around us. we'll find solace in each other. i just know it. 
in less than 5 or so weeks little boy wonder should be snuggled up in the warmth of my neck. i should be inhaling his addictive baby scent. staring at him in shock and awe. marveling at his sheer awesomeness. his life. his uniqueness. his ability to be whatever he wants. his beginning. 
his affect and his effect. a new footprint in the universe. a new soul in the world. and i shake my head in wonder of it all. i shake it again.
i'm currently wishing i was reading. cooking what i am eating. anticipating his life and missing my own. but i'm happy. even if this post might seem to reflect otherwise. i have a man who i love. a boy who makes my world spin (figuratively and literally) and a baby who kicks and thrives within me. i hear four heartbeats everyday. our love pounding vigorously. together.
this is the life. and unbelievably it will get even better. 

sorry for missing the last two currently posts (or more?). and i would apologize for straying off topic in this one, but i'm sure i don't have to. this is my currently.  click on the link below to check out what others are up to!

Harvesting Kale

You might also like:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...