August 9, 2012

currently: living lost. but living.


{yes i take photos of greeting cards that i like}
it's not my usual thing, blogging before dark, but clearly something's gotta give.  i haven't blogged in weeks.  i made a joke with vicky that instagram has killed the blog.  but the truth is, i've killed it. life has killed it.  i just can't seem to find the time. yet time is in abundance these days. it's the same reason i look at myself everyday saying "you should've combed your hair today. you should've put effort into the way you look. you should care about these things. you have time now. before he arrives. and you do nothing to make yourself look/feel good. what will you be like afterwards? with no time?
will my list of unfinished shit just get longer? i started packing seba's old clothes for gabri. i started organizing their shared room. i started washing little cloth diapers. i started collecting fabric to make cute crib sheets and rompers. i started researching baby-led weaning and such things i never got to fully try with seba.
i started.
but there is a lack of finishing going on here. a huge lack. finishing doesn't even exist unless we're talking about food on plate. it's finished.
i have excuses. lots of them. a bump. some pelvic pain. little sleep. hips that feel locked all night. exhaustion. emotions. and exhausting emotions. overwhelming madness in my brain. my own thoughts tire me. reality is a beautiful dream compared to the nightmarish hell of what my imagination is capable of making me believe.
i close my eyes in the dark. if there is a blackout. if for some reason the lights go out. i close my eyes, hands outstretched and try to make it to safety. i don't try to see. i don't try. i close my eyes when unexpected, scary things happen. i close my eyes when i feel blocked or cornered. i just shut them. and keep them closed until the darkness passes. until my eyes can focus. until i've adjusted.
i don't know where i'm going with this. but i know where i don't want to go. i don't want to get lost in the dark. i want to keep moving. keep planning. keep preparing. we have a little boy coming to stay and he deserves the most welcome of welcomes when he arrives. he deserves the world. and i plan on giving it to him. tired or not. holding him still and calm while the madness swirls around us. we'll find solace in each other. i just know it. 
in less than 5 or so weeks little boy wonder should be snuggled up in the warmth of my neck. i should be inhaling his addictive baby scent. staring at him in shock and awe. marveling at his sheer awesomeness. his life. his uniqueness. his ability to be whatever he wants. his beginning. 
his affect and his effect. a new footprint in the universe. a new soul in the world. and i shake my head in wonder of it all. i shake it again.
i'm currently wishing i was reading. cooking what i am eating. anticipating his life and missing my own. but i'm happy. even if this post might seem to reflect otherwise. i have a man who i love. a boy who makes my world spin (figuratively and literally) and a baby who kicks and thrives within me. i hear four heartbeats everyday. our love pounding vigorously. together.
this is the life. and unbelievably it will get even better. 

sorry for missing the last two currently posts (or more?). and i would apologize for straying off topic in this one, but i'm sure i don't have to. this is my currently.  click on the link below to check out what others are up to!

Harvesting Kale

6 comments:

  1. Oh how I have missed you!!! So glad you're back and linking up. I loved this post so much. You are such a beautiful writer.

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    1. thank you my friend and motivator! i'm so behind, but i try to keep up with you ladies.

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  2. I love when you stray off topic. So honest and real. I remember some of those feelings before my daughter was born.

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    1. thank you wendy. i have a hard time staying put in general. so glad you don't mind! being pregnant exaggerates all of this of course =)

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  3. Gabri - such a cute nickname awaiting it's equally cute owner.

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    1. yup! Gabri he is. his full name will be Gabriele. Seba's is actually Sebastiano -- but Seba ended up sticking. hard.
      it's so difficult to call people by their actual names, isn't it? we should just start naming our kids with nicknames. so much easier. lol

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