September 27, 2012

currently: not so current

but sometime within the last three weeks i got tied up and had a baby.
i came online today to write a currently post and found this old entry saved in my drafts.
crazy the difference a few weeks makes.
my imagination had me gagged and bound. suffocated and scared.
and then came gabry.  flipping our world upside down and sliding into his place.
oh man, reality has gone and knocked me over.  head over heels..with weak knees and all. again.
i should've had more faith. i should have worried less and realized that life happens. that our puzzle pieces are not fixed in a deadlock.  that somehow they get switched around and shifted. eventually finding that perfect fit. creating yet another beautiful image. one that feels like it always was. and always will be.
and so here we are, a family of four. edited and even better. life is damn good. and i am grateful.

3 weeks earlier: 
honestly. i can't stop myself from eating.  a rub of the double chin used to be enough to halt me in tracks, but not anymore. i've lost all self-control. the child within me has won. officially. i surrender. i'm no challenge for the crazy kid that takes over my body crying and getting insanely bitchy if a cookie isn't shoved in her mouth to shut her up. the one that could without a doubt over-pie-eat that chubster in standy-by-me ANYTIME. without barfing. ya right. get out of town. no literally. i wish i could get out of town. but i have about 10 days till you know what. some little munchkin is supposed to join me on my journey. i have to stay around here. maybe on a beach chair. reclined. with a book. all day every day. i could avoid the pain in the groin that i seem to be experiencing.  i'm pretty sure my pelvic girdle pain has stepped up a notch to symphysis pubis dysfunction. so painful. i think i'm over-walking, over-lifting, over-doing everything. i should stop, but i can't. a pattern going on here. and back to the cookies. i must have eaten at least 20 chocolate chip cookies today.  the worst part is that i would have been equally satisfied eating a handful of grapes. but the cookies were within reach. bam. and tomorrow is my weekly doctor visit. at least two days before my appointments i start pep-talking myself into not going bonkers over sweets. trying to avoid over-eating like my doctor's visit is some sort of weight watchers check-in.  tricking myself into believing that if i just avoid the cravings i will somehow weigh less. and that the minute i walk out the door i can go buck wild on burger king like it's nobody's business. this must be why diets don't work. you forbid yourself from having something then you suddenly prance on it like a cat on catnip. inhaling it. leaving nothing behind. not even a crumb. ya all those crumbs i'm eating. the sugar. the fat. they've decided to deposit themselves onto my nose now. oh the fat nose. a bit of a swelling. making my eyes, mouth, chins appear smaller.  i won't complain. fat nose makes fat chin seem less fat. still it's not that comfortable feeling my glasses squish in the sides of my nostrils. but i'll wear them more than ever now just to keep the nose in check. they aren't that bad. i can tolerate having my breathing restricted in exchange for having a slightly thinner looking nose.
and then there are the intolerable days. days where fat nose is the least of my problems. days where i'm so beat and tired i just feel like giving up. these are days when i think there is no way in hell i'll survive. no way i can do this. frozen moments when both alternatives scare the shit out of me. suffocating me. pregnant forever in unbearable, un-sleeping pain or not pregnant forever with an abused hoo-ha and two babes. hmmm. let that simmer. 
it usually boils up and over pretty quickly. cooling down when seba comes over, rubs my belly and says "gabri whatchu doin? kickin mommy? mommy has booboo? need kiss mommy?" 
fear gone. just like that. back to reality. honestly i'm a ticking time bomb. literally. ticking away.. just waiting for the first sign of this is it. excited and crazy. with random bizarro thoughts. unable to imagine that feeling of instantaneous love. the instant connection. the one you can't feel until you feel it. skipping the hi how are you. skipping the courting. and heading straight to in love without stopping at go. you don't expect it and you don't even know what it actually is until it is. then it's like it was always there. always a possibility that you were aware of. one that you could never imagine not existing before. confirmed and real.  true, unconditional, insane love. 
and then it grows. and grows. so quickly. and so do they. sometimes i see seba and i think him so big i almost cry. then i catch him in a caress and push pause. holding onto the moment when his entire little face fits into the palm of my hand. what a feeling. what a heavy heart. weighed down by my big, fat love for him. for them. and now my heart sits overweight and pregnant with the possibility of loving yet another one just like him. 
and so with these last days i soak him up. over-compensating. giving a zillion hugs instead of just the regular billion. responding to babyish whines i may have previously snapped at. suddenly sitting in the backseat because it's being requested. holding hands with an over-extended elbow until he falls asleep. allowing him to sneak into our bed at wee hours. and so what if it makes him want these things more. so what if he's temporarily spoiled. our alone time is limited and we will flood ourselves in it until we near drown. i don't care.
HK

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